His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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