So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
