false alarm. still invincible.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
