even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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