shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I can text with my tongue
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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