I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
