I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
