I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
