I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
