I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
