you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
