he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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