i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
