someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
