Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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