i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
