D3 body, D1 cock
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
