I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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