I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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