First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
