You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
