More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
