I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
