I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
