My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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