I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
