I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
