He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
