make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
