I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
