Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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