Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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