Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
