did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize