The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
