She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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