Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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