The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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