I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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