I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
