I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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