The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
