im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
