how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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