she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You are the jesus of drinking
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
