Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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