I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
