just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
