I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
