duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
