Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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