No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
