this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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