Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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