my mouth tastes like poor choices
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
