In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
