just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
