I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
