He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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