Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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