If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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