I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
