I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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