We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize