you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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