i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
