the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
