she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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