If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Farmville is her only friend.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
