I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
